“Groantastic” Bond moments

The James Bond film franchise is one of my favorites. It’s fun, escapist fare that has exotic locations, neat gadgets, great action sequences and lots of beautiful women. And yet among all that goodness are some things that are, to put it bluntly, just bad or downright embarrassing. Here’s my list of the most “groantastic” moments in the Bond film franchise:

10. Grace Jones as a Bond love interest in a View to a Kill

Ugh. Grace Jones is not sexy. Sorry she isn’t. She was right at home in Conan the Destroyer, where they utilized her as a scary warrior woman.  If Grace slipped into my bed, I’d run.

My goodness...words escape me.

9. Casting Teri Hatcher as Paris, Bond’s old flame in Tomorrow Never Dies

Hatcher was three months pregnant during the filming and it showed. And not to be mean, but she definitely wasn’t in competition shape, looking tired and far plumper than she did in her previous roles. It was a role she should have declined.  Instead we were treated to scenes where the only color she wears is black, obviously because it’s minimizing. It’s obvious Hatcher was cast for her name recognition and not for the fact that she could pull off sexy with any sort of realism. It’s no wonder that her appearance in the film was brief.

Teri Hatcher was not the sexy vixen we saw in Lois and Clark.

8. Live and Let Die - the first half of the film

The James Bond franchise becomes for the first half of Live and Let Die, a blaxploitation film involving huge afros, pimps and racial epithets like ‘honky’. Jane Seymour almost single handedly redeems this film. Still, this Shaft meets super spy combo leaves you scratching your head.

James Bond, English 'Honky" super spy being held at gun point

7. Watching Daniel Craig (Bond) get tortured in Casino Royale

I think most guys got uncomfortable watching Bond get his testicles beaten up and nearly castrated by Le Chiffre.

I know more than one guy who unconsciously covered their family jewels during this scene.

6. Bond reveals his third nipple in The Man with a Golden Gun

In order to pretend to be the assasin Scaramanga, Bond wears a faux nipple. It’s a facepalm moment when he shows it off.

Faux nipple for the win!

5. Denise Richardson as Dr. Christmas Jones, nuclear physicist in The World is Not Enough

Denise Richardson nuclear physicist: sorry, no one believes that for a second. And Richardson isn’t a good enough of an actress to pull it off.

Add a few electronic doohickies on a belt and even Denise Richards comes off as a convincing scientist. Yeah right.

4. Space shuttle laser fights in Moonraker

Moonraker, produced in 1979, tried to take advantage of the interest in science fiction that was sweeping the nation. Star Wars had been released in 1977, so I guess the producers of the film felt it may have been a good idea to throw in some special effects. It was not a good idea. Special effects are great when you work at it, awful if they looked tacked on. Guess which version was in Moonraker?

Pretty obvious what they were trying to do.

3. Watching Gustav Graves try to speak Korean in Die Another Day

Ugh. Why didn’t they dub over his voice? It’s obvious to even non-native speakers that the guy can’t speak Korean, especially since he’s supposed to be a genetic North Korean who has his genes manipulated to become British. Yeah, I’ll let you wrangle with the racial identity issues of that one on your own.

The secret dream of every North Korean man is to become white! Graves, the former Colonel Moon, has become so white, he's lost his Korean accent.

2. Roger Moore in Octopussy - the whole film

Octopussy was a mediocre film that was notable mostly because it featured Maud Adams, the only woman who was featured twice as a Bond girl. Maud was great, Roger not so much. It’s quite evident in Octopussy that Moore had gotten a bit long in the tooth. Watching a James Bond who was balding and obviously growing soft in the middle did nothing to make you believe that he was some dashing super spy. The producers needed to find someone other than the declining Moore, but must have felt that the old workhorse had one more race left in him.

Moore, who was 55 at the time of filming, was almost old enough to be a grandfather to many of his female costars.

1. James Bond becomes Japanese in You Only Live Twice

Yeah, I sure was fooled (not!) A big, 6-foot Scottish man becomes Japanese enough to fool the locals. Watching Connery hunching over in a vain attempt to blend in with his Japanese costars was an exercise in ridiculous futility. At least they didn’t do the Last Samurai thing and tried to get him to become a samurai too, though if I remember the film correctly, they did try to make him into a ninja.

*facepalm*

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